Dichotomy of allowing yourself to be held before you can be independent and free…
Generally speaking this pregnancy compared to my other 2 (Ginger – 13 and Coco – 10) was challenging. I have had more minor inconveniences, such as hormonal acne around my smile which in the big picture is no big deal (especially with all the mask wearing I am doing these days), but it still makes me feel self conscious. I also experienced a major episode early in my pregnancy which made me appreciate the “gift” of being pregnant and getting another chance to hold and nurture another beautiful creation.
When I was 14 weeks pregnant, and had traveled to Texas for a Pilates conference, I had a major bleeding event. I woke up in the middle of the night after my first day at the conference to go to the bathroom but instead bled a lot of blood. My first thought was that oh-no, I lost my baby! I was shaking with fear and felt so much shame for what just happened. In my head, I told myself that it was stupid to come to the conference in the first place! I was upset at myself, as I was thinking that I must have “overdone” it again, in addition, to drinking too much coffee and matcha tea. What did I do? What lesson do I need to learn now? Can’t I be done with learning lessons for a while?
I called Pontus and sadly, still in a lot of shock, told him what I just experienced. He tried to comfort me and told me it would all be okay and that we do not know anything for certain. “Try to get some rest,” he says! It was 3am and I was wide awake and even though I was tired, there was no way I would have been able to sleep. I ended up changing my flight and came home on the next earliest flight possible. As I was packing my bags to leave for the airport I knew that worrying and looking up stuff on google would not help my current emotional state so I decided to sing to try and calm myself. I just started singing without knowing what to sing. I was so frightened, but was determined not to worry about it. I told myself “I am okay, I know my baby is okay and I started singing –
i love you
i love me
i’ll be gentle with you
i’ll be gentle with me
i love you
i love me
you are my baby
all of my dreams
i care for me
i care for you
i’ll be gentle with me
i’ll be gentle with you
stay with me
i’ll stay with you
please my baby stay with me!
i love you
i love me
i promise to be gentle with you and with me.
Baby, stay with me
i love you
i love me
Arriving back at Sea Tac, Pontus and the girls picked me up, and as soon as I saw their faces I could not hold my emotions, and the tears came streaming down my face like waterfalls. Pontus held me and I soon realized that the girls had no idea what was wrong with their Mamma as Pontus had not mentioned anything to them yet. We got in the car and I told the girls what happened. They were sad, but so sweet, as they tried to make me feel better. That whole day still remains a blur, I simply rested and prayed that my baby was okay. The following day, I saw my doctor. I held my breath as I lay on the table for the ultrasound. I closed my eyes, said one more prayer and soon I heard a strong little heart beat inside. I opened my eyes, smiled and cried, and knew that everything would be okay. I made a promise to myself to take it easy more, and continue to practice listening to what my body is telling me. Less pushing, doing, efforting, and instead, more yielding, softening, and surrendering. At that moment, I knew that this pregnancy was a beautiful gift and I am lucky to have another opportunity to experience the miracle of life within me.
I am now going on 38 weeks and I have kept my promise. Although I practice everyday, I have been gentle and loving to myself and my baby. I take it easy, rest when I need to and I am proud of myself for listening and not competing. I understand now that my bleeding experience needed to happen for me to slow down, and not continue with my old habits of being in autopilot – doing things just to do them. In a way, I am grateful for that experience and what it taught me.
Even if you are not pregnant, sorry men, …you can still visualize and imagine what it is like to be pregnant, holding and nurturing a miracle inside(your heart center) will help you lift your middle and enhance your breathing to help you sustain more space within, then maybe you are used to practicing.
With this heightened body awareness and my vow to soften and listen more, my connections have been so much deeper and allowed me to access parts of myself that have been challenging. I’ve gotten better at letting go of my expectations of what the practice SHOULD bring me and instead have allowed the practice to literally hold and support me. Listening to my body and asking what it needs that day to feel better in that moment to accommodate myself and the needed space for my baby has been such an important practice. I am not simply “logging in another session.” My breath has been deeper, my body more lifted and spacious and I treat each movement I take with a little more care and percision just how Mr Pilates intended the practice to be.
The mindfulness that both practices of Yoga and Pilates require have helped me feel held and supported. The more consistent I am with practicing the more held and supported I feel. This idea is so important in the practice because it will allow you to feel and experience more of yourself to make the deeper more meaningful connections that you need.
My early experience during this pregnancy has helped me allow the practice to literally “hold me.” Just how the loving faces of my girls and Pontus holding me at Sea Tac, I was able to let go, soften and let my emotions flow out to and clear my state to literally, get myself back together. I feel fortunate to have not only a loving husband and 2 amazing daughters, but also 2 disciplines that I can count on to hold me. I do hope you have found people and things in your life that also hold you!
Now, about to give birth to another baby girl, I feel so lucky to be the one to hold her. I feel our amazing connection and hope I can continue to hold her and support her out of my womb in the ways she needs so she can also feel and learn what she needs, to be free and independent without me. I was given such a beautiful gift, I know it is an opportunity that will teach and show me how to navigate and proceed into the next chapter of my life.
To being held,
Brooke
lebureau.live 